Sarah’s story demonstrates how employers can have an impact – both positive and negative – on a victim-survivor’s life. Sarah’s employers thought they were supporting her in the workplace by giving her some time off, but they had little understanding of what that would mean for her wellbeing or how to support her as she managed the complexities of ongoing domestic abuse. In the end, Sarah lost her job. She believes that it is vital for employers to educate themselves about domestic abuse and create more supportive workplaces.
Sarah met her perpetrator after coming out of a long-term relationship. She had not expected to start a new relationship so soon, as she was recovering from a previously abusive situation. However, Sarah thought she was connecting with someone sweet and caring.
“I am from a very idealistic family. We used to go on family bike rides, have lots of fun and do everything together. We were like the Von Trapps. Looking back now, it was naïve of me, but I thought most people were kind and lovely,” she says.
Sarah’s new relationship turned violent very quickly, and she was subjected to extreme physical and emotional abuse, as well as coercive control. Her partner stabbed her three times, broke 30 of her ribs, and caused her face to be disfigured with multiple injuries, including black eyes. Sarah later found out that her partner had been on remand for murder, and that he had lied about his past. Sarah’s partner threatened to kill her father, which terrified Sarah and made her feel that she couldn’t leave the relationship. Sarah became adept at using makeup to cover her bruises at work.
Eventually, it got to a point where she couldn’t cover up the abuse anymore. Sarah went to the office with ‘a hole in my head’ she says, which was when her boss spotted blood in her hair. Sarah needed 19 stitches in her head. “And so I opened up to them. At first, they said ‘oh my god, we will help you’, but after a while they said I had had too many sick days – and I was out.”
An unsupportive employer
Instead of supporting her, Sarah’s employer asked her to hand over her clients to other colleagues, in case she couldn’t be around when needed. “Their version of support was ‘go home, rest, and come back in once you are sorted’,” she says. Once she had had those couple of days off, she was expected to start billing again and get on with things. “They didn’t understand that it was a dangerous time for me, and that there was a danger in being on my own.” Sarah began to live a double life.
“Even though work was my safe space, I had to go in and pretend there was nothing wrong. I worked in a very male-dominated environment, and being a woman, I felt I had to work extra hard. There was an old boys’ network, and signs of weakness were not encouraged. I don’t blame them, I don’t think they knew what to do, I was very much a problem that they just saw as a minefield,” she says.
Sarah wants employers to learn from her experiences. For example, her employer expected her simply to leave the relationship, not understanding the dynamics of abuse.
“It can take several tries before you leave an abusive relationship, and so it’s an ongoing journey of support that is required, because thinking about leaving is when things get really dangerous. I wish I could go back and tell my employers to spend some time learning what someone goes through in these situations. Supporting a victim does not mean giving them some time off, expecting them to leave a relationship, and that everything will then be sorted,” she explains.
Employers also need to recognise that even after a victim-survivor leaves a relationship there can be post-separation abuse, which can include stalking, harassment, and other forms of abuse, and will impact different people in different ways.
Sarah wants businesses to understand that victim-survivors can sometimes make the best employees.
“The resilience that I have developed after what I have been through makes me a really strong employee. After what I’ve experienced, I could have done my job standing on my head.”
Tackling domestic abuse is a long-term process
It is not enough for businesses to attend a seminar and think they have dealt with the issue of domestic abuse, Sarah argues. Employers need to continue to develop their own education and understanding; they need to inform themselves about the impact of trauma and learn where to signpost people for support.
“I have post-traumatic stress disorder. That is something that employers don’t know about and need to educate themselves about. You have so much anxiety when you go through something like this, and you feel so alone, even though you look like you’re normal. Maybe you aren’t feeling normal.”
Sarah believes the workspace can help victim-survivors feel normal for a time, which can be a really important thing.
“If you isolate victims at home in these situations, then that is a real problem. Instead, it may be helpful to go to work and realise that other people have different lives, that there is a normality that is different, and that you crave.”
In Sarah’s case however, instead of being supported, she never felt like she could talk about what she was going through at work, for fear of being seen as difficult or problematic.
“I don’t blame them. It is all about education. They saw domestic abuse as an HR problem, and they thought it would be easier to just get rid of me. But workplaces play such a big part in anyone’s life, and those that provide ongoing, long-term support, that victims can trust through the process, can make a massive difference, which benefits both the individual and the business.”
Sarah has now started her own consultancy, We Thrive, to help victim-survivors of domestic abuse back into the workplace.
