Trigger warning: This article contains descriptions of domestic abuse, sexual violence, suicide, and eating disorders. Emily is a pseudonym to protect the victim-survivor’s privacy.
Emily’s experience of domestic abuse began when she got her first job at a small creative company. She was fresh out of university and didn’t have any prior experience of office cultures or collegial relationships. The company did not have many formal structures such as HR in place, and Emily quickly noticed the culture of sexual harassment disguised as “banter”, when older male colleagues made sexualised comments to the new recruits.
Emily had struggled with an eating disorder for many years, and she felt that her mental health was impacting her negatively at work. She confided in a senior colleague to reassure him that she enjoyed her job, and any performance gaps stemmed from her mental health. After she disclosed her mental health struggles, her colleague initiated a much closer relationship. He went from being a trusted colleague to a romantic relationship, where he constantly showered her with what seemed like care and affection. Emily now recognises this early intensity as love bombing – as he started to control more of her time under the guise of taking her under his wing.
“As with all relationships, he started out being incredibly loving and supportive. If abusers were terrible from the beginning, no one would end up in situations like this.”
Emily was 23, her colleague was 45 and married. He would regularly force her to be intimate with him in the office, including in places with a high risk of getting caught. He suggested she align her holiday calendar to his and had her book hotels where he would sexually abuse her. Their relationship was noticed by their colleagues, but none of them flagged its inappropriate nature. Indeed, the head of department approached the male colleague and asked him “Is this girl causing you trouble? Do I need to get rid of her?” instead of prioritising Emily’s safety and wellbeing.
Abuse entering the workplace
Emily’s abuser helped her find her a job at another company where his friend would be her new manager. As they were no longer working together, the day-to-day in person contact changed to him tracking her movements via her phone, constantly messaging her, forbidding her to speak to male colleagues or to take work trips, and demanding that she have lunch with him every day in his office on the other side of London. If she was late, he would get angry, refuse to speak to her, and threaten to leave her. Emily felt completely dependent on him, not least as her new employer was his friend. Her abuser came to her work socials, and despite people picking up on the large age gap, they did not approach her about the relationship.
Only one of Emily’s colleagues attempted to help her recognise that she was in an abusive relationship. Emily told the colleague that she was not allowed to speak to male colleagues, but he remained supportive and listened to her whenever she disclosed snippets of information about the abuse. Her abuser eventually found out that she was confiding in a colleague and forced her to cease contact.
Locked down with an abuser
When the Covid lockdowns started, Emily’s abuser moved in with her and only went home to his family at the weekends. He worked for a major newspaper and said he would pose as a journalist if he was caught breaching lockdown rules. While he didn’t contribute to any of Emily’s bills or rent, he urged her to quit her job and have a baby with him. He promised he would leave his partner for her but never did. Emily experienced the constant push and pull of his making big promises that were never fulfilled.
Going to court
Emily finally found the courage to leave her abuser after a night when they were out for dinner. She saw a loving message from his wife pop up on his phone screen. In that moment, the net of lies he had spun unravelled. Emily got up and walked home. She came across a BBC programme about coercive control, and everything fell into place. She made an online report of domestic abuse, and two police officers came to her house the next day to investigate the case.
“When you think about domestic abuse, you think about people who have been physically beaten up. My conversations with the investigators passed in a blur. The police then barely communicated with me. They forgot to add bail conditions, and the charge of rape was dropped. I made a complaint, and they admitted to their failures in the case, but did nothing to rectify them.”
Emily told her then workplace about her abuse and the court process. Her new manager did not support her and put her on a performance plan while she was waiting for her court date from the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS).
“A supportive workplace would have made a huge difference to me at that time. I worked so hard to prove myself during my performance plan period that my doctor ordered me to take sick leave. The pressure of potentially losing my job added a huge burden to an already awful situation.”
Two and a half years after she pressed charges, Emily’s case finally went to court. She was given a week’s unpaid leave to attend the trial. Her former line manager gave evidence in court, as she had witnessed the constant text messages Emily had received from her abuser at work. However, the head of department at her first workplace (who had threatened to fire her) testified against her, describing her as “promiscuous”. The judge clearly had very little understanding of domestic abuse, suggesting that Emily had the financial independence to leave if she had wanted to, and that she had waited too long to report the abuse after the relationship ended.
The verdict was: not guilty.
“I attempted to end my life the day after the verdict was delivered. I felt so much shame and self-doubt over not being believed. Knowing that my abuser had stood in court while a person of power declared him innocent was devastating. I told my workplace about the trial outcome and the suicide attempt. They told me they’d see me at work on Monday.”
Emily became an advocate for victim-survivors of domestic abuse and sexual violence. She was told that she would be charged £20,000 pounds for access to the court transcript from the case. This spurred her to campaign successfully to change legislation in England and Wales, enabling all victims in Crown Court cases to get access to the sentencing remarks without charge.
Emily left her employer shortly after the verdict. Her new employer has shown her care and support: time and flexibility for her mental health recovery, letting her host awareness-raising webinars for employees, and allowed her time for her activism.
Emily is still learning how to cope with her experience of abuse, but her activism has been a positive outlet. She has just received funding for a new campaign and is now happily married to a supportive partner.
“I am living a life full of care. I am showing myself that I can achieve great things, things my abuser said I could never do.”
Emily’s tips for employers
Emily has reflected on the ways in which an employer can support someone going through experiences like hers.
Employers should raise awareness within the workplace of the nature and prevalence of domestic abuse, as well as the signs that indicate that someone may be experiencing domestic abuse.
Many people do not realise that they are experiencing abuse (often because it is normalised over time) or are too frightened to seek help. It is therefore important to keep asking questions and offering support if you are worried about a colleague.
It is important to consider the impact of domestic abuse and its aftermath, and how your workplace can support victim-survivors to stay safe and in work. It is a common assumption that the abuse ceases once someone leaves an abusive situation, but this is rarely the case, and abuse may continue for many years.
Employers may be able to support victim-survivors going through court proceedings with paid leave and a colleague to accompany them. If there are concerns about performance, these should be put on hold during any court proceedings, which is likely to be a time of great stress and trauma.
Flexibility and understanding goes a long way. When employees feel safe and supported, they will respond with loyalty towards their employer.
